Cognitive restructuring
'Cognition' is a word used to denote a thought or belief, and 'restructuring' involves challenging a cognition by looking at the evidence for or against it. The basic idea behind cognitive restructuring is that thoughts themselves are not facts; you need to consider whether the thoughts you are having are true and to consider whether there are any other ways to thinking about a particular situation. At first this can be a real challenge: we often believe what we think and don't question our own thoughts. However, often our thinking is biased, and with perfectionism it can be biased towards thinking too negatively and harshly about yourself.
Changing the inner voice
When trying to change your self-critical voice and decrease self-criticism, the ultimate goal is not to stop yourself from ever being self-critical again. This is not realistic, given that you have probably had a lifetime of listening to the self-critical voice.
Also, it's important to realise that all people have a critical voice; it's just that many don't choose to take its messages to heart. Setting yourself the goal of not having a critical voice will just give you one more thing to be criticise yourself about the first time you encounter the critical voice!
Therefore the goal is to decrease the power of the self-critical voice. Imagine your self-critical voice had a volume button: the volume can be turned down low but not all the way off. In the same way, the volume of the self-compassionate voice can be turned up.
How do you starting turning the inner voice from frenemy into friend? To do this requires self-compassion. This is the practice of giving compassion to yourself as you would a friend or person you care about.
Watch this video for a full explanation.
Finding your compassionate voice
When you have been listening to the critical voice for a long time, it can be very hard to identify your compassionate voice. To help you start finding your compassionate voice, think about the behaviours you show to your friends and the values you apply to the people you care about.
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The table below list some of the values you might feel are important with regards to how you treat your friends. Add any others you can think of in the empty boxes.
Caring
To show my friends I care and am interested in their wellbeing
Helpfulness
Help my friends when they're in need
Justice
To treat my friends fairly
Courtesy
To be polite and considerate in how I act and speak to my friends
Respect
To treat my friends with respect and respect the person they are
Acceptance
To accept my friends and not try to change them
Generosity
To be generous in my time and effort
Fun
Make time to have fun and share a sense of humour with my friends
Now ask yourself: do you apply any of those values to yourself?
Which ones would you like to be able to offer yourself more freely?
Think how your attitude would be different if you enacted the same values to yourself as you would a friend. The table below shows some suggestions about how you might apply these values.
Add your own ideas in the blank boxes.
Caring
Take opportunities to provide self-care
Helpfulness
To show myself concern and go out of my own way to help improve things I'm struggling with
Justice
To be fair on myself and not expect myself to achieve unrealistic performances
Courtesy
To be considerate of my own needs
Respect
To respect my body, my mental health, and acknowledge my own value
Acceptance
To accept myself without needing to change who I am or prove myself
Generosity
To give myself time and focus my efforts on my own needs
Fun
Participate in activities which bring me joy